Just one day…

The cold air that touches me, it makes me feel sad… I couldn’t sleep with the thought of not getting over you. The funny thing is, we never got into relationship, and yet, I’m in this insanely painful condition. I was really in love, I fell. I was happily waiting for weekends because I know you’re going to talk to me. I’m waking up to your call even if that is 1 am, 2, 3 or 4. I’m excited whenever I know there’s a chance we’d meet.  Everything about you makes me happy. I’ve exerted much effort just to show you how much I mean the words ‘I love you.’ to the extent of forgetting to love myself. How selfless. But I was happy with all those. It was my choice. The only thing I forgot to do is to think of an exit strategy. And know I’m having a hard time. It’s been a year. Just so you know. And I thought I was fine, I was okay with it, I was happy that you’re happy, but I AM NOT. The only thing I’m done now is fooling myself that I am happy, that I am fine, because to tell you the truth… I’m getting bad, again. I don’t really have any idea what to do, or where this write-up going… I just miss you. So much. If only I had a choice with the life I’m in, I won’t choose to be in this complicated state. If only I could choose who to love, but I couldn’t. If only everything would go in everyone’s way. It will be perfect. But that’s kind of impossible. But it can be. The thing is, it won’t be perfect. And with all these thoughts, how can I possibly get over it? I’m tired because I tried so hard. Maybe today, I just need to spend time with you. Just one last day with you. And I guess I’m going to figure out something.

Someone, someday…

Is it when you really feel you’re in a need of someone? Or is it when you just want to be with someone? Disregarding of the need-or-want thing, the kooky game of life is one big factor in finding the person to be with, in facing it all. Life wasn’t perfect, nor love that complicates it even more. And if it complicates us, why do we try or do enter such thing? Admit it or not, because it makes you happy and do feel a sense of security knowing that someone will be with you, and, hopefully, won’t give up on you, no matter what. Because we do all get tired. We do change moods. We often change what we want and even our feelings changes.  And making it short, we change. We get tired from the things we used to do, from the things we used to love doing. We lose inspiration and motivating factors in things we do. We forget how it feels to be in love. We forget how warm hugs are. We forget how a kiss feels. We forget how happy we are seeing efforts from the one we love the most. We never had another insanely blushing moment when we’re with someone. We never had all these-and-that because we are out of that kind of game for the years passed. At times when we really do feel tired and all, is the same time when we realize that it would really help to have someone beside you. Someone who will say that you can, even though you haven’t told him what’s happening. Someone who will give you the tightest and warmest hug, especially at their worst. Someone who will make you feel his presence because he knows that thing is what is important. Someone who’ll simply be there, for you, no matter what the circumstances are. But as of today, if that someone doesn’t come your way, learn to love yourself even more. Because He never fails to surprise you with good things, maybe at times it is disguised with bad things, but the result of everything is something that is good for you. Life is not perfect, it will never be. To love takes risks in making yourself someone’s somebody. And yes, it is not as easy as how it looks. But we do not have any rewind option with what happened to our life because we choose that. I mean, we entered this thing, yes. We should’ve readied ourselves because the one might enter to you at a great, majestic, or dramatic moment. And with that, all the dramas above will be disregarded. 

Hindi ako natatakot.

Paalala bago basahin ang nilalaman: Marami talaga tayong napagninilayan na bagay. Naiisip natin at kadalasa’y gusto nating sabihin sa iba. Lalo na sa panahon ngayon… na uso ang Social Networks tulad ng Facebook at Twitter, dito nagagawa ng karamihan ang magsabi ng mga bagay na natutuhan nila. May iba naman na tulad nitong ginagawa ko, ang pagba-blog. Kung matatamaan ka sa mga sinasabi, talo ka. Pero kung mag-iisip ka, lahat naman ng tao’y ginagawa ‘yon. Hindi ako nagpaparinig sa blog na ito bagkos ako’y namamahagi ng mga kaalaman at karanasan na maaaring katulad ng iyo o ng kakilala mo. Pero hindi ko intensyong paringgan ang kung sino man. Makikiraan na lamang sa inyong mga damdamin.

Nakakatawang isipin na kayang ipagmalaki ang henerasyon ngayon dahil sa taglay na talino, diskarte sa buhay, at kakayahang maging mag-isa. Ngunit maipagmamalaki mo pa ba sila kung ang mga resulta naman ng ginagawa nila’y hindi maganda? Tulad na lamang na maraming tao ang nag-iisip na tama sila sa lahat ng diskusyon. Na magsasabi sila ng mga bagay na akala nila’y sila ang dapat kaawaan. May mga istoryang maririnig mo na sila ang bida. Sino nga ba ang kayang umamin ng kasalanan nila? Ultimo mga lasing nga’y ayaw umamin na may tama na sila kahit halata mo na. Ano pa ang taong kayang gumawa ng sarili niyang bersyon ng istorya? Matalino ngunit hindi nakabubuti. Ang mga taong kayang umamin ay ang mga taong hindi isip bata. Sila ‘yung mga taong malawak mag-isip at hindi tinitignan ang bagay sa narinig, o nakita lamang, ngunit may kasamang obserbasyon para may patunay naman sa kongklusyon nila. Ano pa bang mas isip bata sa mga bida ng istorya na ‘yan? Edi ‘yung mga taong naniniwala agad. Sila ‘yung mga one-sided na tao. Madaling paikutin ng magaling magpa-ikot. Ang hindi pa maganda ay ang pagsawsaw nila. Dito sa mga tao na ‘to nag-uugat ang pagbigat ng problema, dahil lumalaki lang sa pangingi-alam nila. Sa panahon pa ngayon ay normal na ang mga taong mapanghusga. ‘Yung hindi ka naman ganoon kakilala ngunit magbibigay ng hindi nakakatuwang mga pananalita laban sa pagkatao ng hinuhusgahan nila. Normal na rin ang mga nagsi-seks. Sa mura nilang edad ay hindi lang mulat kung hindi dilat na dilat na sila sa ganoong bagay. Hindi ba’t maganda pa rin ang tradisyon noon na ang una mong pakikipagtalik ay sa iyong asawa matapos ninyong ikasal? Hindi na nga rin bago na pabata na ng pabata ang mga nagiging Ninong at Ninang dahil kinukuha sila ng kanilang kaibigan na ka-edad lamang nila. Siguro’y hindi na mapigilan ng iba pero sana’y nag-iingat sila. Wala na namang magagawa kung nandyan na, nagiging maganda pa rin naman kung nakasuporta ang ama ng bata at hindi lamang ang ina. Makikita mo naman kung mahal at masaya sila. Hindi ‘yung kadalasa’y mga babae pa ang nagpipilit. Sa panahon din ngayon maraming sitwasyon na ang kaibigan mo pa ang nagiging ugat ng lahat ng problema niyo. Na imbis na walang away, e, dahil sa pagmamayabang pa niya’t pagpi-feeling gwapo’y may mga bagay na siyang nasasabi na hindi maganda at hindi naman totoo. Ang masaklap pa’y hindi ka kayang ipagtanggol.

Matatawa na lamang ako kung manggagalaiti ang mga taong natamaan sa mga nasabi ko. Pero inuulit ko sa nasabi ko sa ‘paalala’ , hindi ako nagpaparinig. Siguro nga’y napaka-raming pagbabago sa panahon ngayon. Napakagulo. Pero kayang ayusin ‘yan. Maaaring pagpapatawad o i-respeto natin ang isa’t isa. Walang taong ginustong maging kakat’wa sa iba, may mga bagay lang talagang nagiging kahinaan nila. Kung may mali kang nagawa, manghingi ka ng tawad. At matuto ring magpatawad. Kung may nakita kang batang ina/ama, mga taong may ibang sexual orientation, at mga kahusga-husgang bagay, hayaan mo na lang. Respetuhin mo sila dahil hindi ka rin naman perpekto. Ayon lang naman ang kailangan natin, e. Respeto sa bawat isa. Hindi ako perpekto. May mga hindi rin ako magandang ugali. May bisyo rin ako. Pero ang pagtrato ko sa ibang tao ay tama. Nirerespeto ko ang lahat at binibigyan ng atensyon. Ganon lang naman dapat, e. Para masaya’t mapayapa lang. Hindi na ako natatakot. Hindi ako natatakot. Hindi na. 🙂

No easier way. But there’s lighter side. :)

      It is really easier for us to say things than doing it. It may be quoted over and over, but it is undoubted. Like in giving advice  we say things trying to uplift one’s spirit, yet the moment we are in the similar situation… we are clueless and weak. There goes the unerring difference between “I know how it feels” from “I’m feeling the exact thing right now.” When you know how it feels, you just know it. But when you feel it, you know how it’s awfully hard. Here we focus on people who drag their selves into that locale, those who feel the glitches in much difficulty wherein they can’t even move on. Even though the people around us try so inclement in telling us to stop things when it’s wrong, and yet we are an admitted knuckle-headed person when it comes to that thing. The problem with us is we wait for a turning point, a rising events, or climax, in making right changes. Like in telling the truth, we wait so long for the right time until the secret is surprisingly-known and there go dramas, fights, and all. Come to think of it, if we just simply work on things to make it right, regardless of what might happen, it may be hard but at least the damage and pain is lesser. Nothing is done in easier way, but something can be done in lighter way. In ways where we can’t assure of not being hurt, but we can be sure of guilt-less feeling… because, at least, we’ve done something to make things right. Life, or love, has its different level of difficulty like in games. There we can choose whether we want it difficult, average, or easy. The important thing is, we’ll think of how much we can handle it… we’ll consider how light it would be for the both parties.

I’ll never leave you.

     Falling in love is really a silly thing. You’ll never get matured enough for that. I, myself, am guilty as charged. Haha. And for you who always ask me why I love you, I answered that I don’t know why. Seriously, I have no idea; I love you because I love you. I guess that is one simple yet complicated answer. Maybe that is why love becomes magical; it is because you have no concrete reason of why loving a person, but love. That brings up the fire because you were trying to look for a reason why, but fails to find it. And the dark side of it was you’re also having a hard time looking for the reason to let go, because in the first place… you don’t know why you’ve fallen. And to you, again, as much as I’ve wanted to let this go, I won’t. I’ll stay by your side, and I always got your back, as promised. Maybe for some, it is just a kid thing. But hey, love never gets old. And love never gets perfect. Fall in love, be silly, get hurt, cry a river, face all anxieties, and after all these… stand strong, and stand still. 

Nakakatawang isipin…

Sa buhay natin, marami talagang problema ang pinagdaraanan natin. Maging napaka-simple man nito, o maging napaka-komplikado… kailangan nating harapin. Kailangan natin solusyonan para hindi na tayo guluhin. Dito pumapasok sa isip ng karamihan ang magdasal, ang lumapit sa Diyos. Nakakatawang isipin na nakakaalala lang ang iba sa panahong kailangan natin siya. Pero ayos lang ‘yon, naiintindihan niya tayo. Ganon niya tayo kamahal, e. Pero kailangan natin tandaan na hindi sapat ang magdasal, kailangan pinapakita rin natin na pinaghihirapan natin ang mga bagay na gusto natin. H’wag mong hilingin na, ” Diyos ko, sana po magkapera na ako.” Ang dapat na hinihiling mo, e, “Diyos ko, tulungan at gabayan niyo po ako para po magkaroon na ako ng pera.” Hindi mo dapat hinihiling ang pera, o kung ano pang materyal/pangangailangan mo ‘yan. Ang tulong at gabay dapat ng Panginoon ang hinihingi mo para tulungan kang magkapera. Hindi naman ‘yan mahuhulog sa harapan mo habang nakaluhod at nagdarasal sa loob ng simbahan, e. Dapat may ginagawa kang paraan para makuha. Maaaring hinihiling mo ngang magkaroon ng trabaho, ang tanong, “Naghahanap ka ba ng trabaho?” Baka mamaya ni resume, wala ka pang pinagpapasahan? Anong gusto mo, pagdasal mo na humihiling na sana’y magkatrabaho, bigla na lang may tatabi sa ‘yo’t tatanungin ka kung gusto mo ng trabaho? Dapat naghahanap ka rin. Baka mamaya naman kasi buong araw ka lang nagdarasal sa simbahan para sa mga gusto mo. Tandaan natin na hindi hinihingi ng Diyos ang buong araw natin para kausapin siya. Isang minuto, tatlo, o limang minuto… ayos na sa kanya. Ang mahalaga ay naaalala natin siya sa kahit anong oras pa. Magdasal at kumilos, hindi magdasal at maghintay. Mas matutuwa pa Siya kung sandali ka lang nagdasal at binuhos mo ang natitirang oras sa isang araw mo nang nagpupursigi para sa mga hiningi mo. At sa huli, makuha mo man o hindi ang kailangan mo, magpasalamat ka pa rin sa Kanya. Kaya tandaan ulit, hindi Niya hinihingi ang buong araw mo para magdasal sa kanya. Kahit saglit lang. Ang mahalaga lang, e, maalala mo siya. Sabi nga, “Pray hard, it works.” Dapat palitan ‘yan ng “Pray hard and Work harder, it happens.” 🙂

Sorry na…

Tayo ay nasa mundong maraming katanungan,

Upang ang mga bagay ay mabigyan ng linaw.

Tulad sa relasyong walang kasiguraduhan

Ngayon nga’y masaya, pa’no sa sunod na araw?

 

Marahil nagkamali sa mga nasabi ko,

Dahil pansin kong may nagbago sa ‘ting pagtrato.

Kapatawaran sa nasabi’y sana ibigay,

Hiling ko’y magsimula ulit sa dating taglay.

 

‘Di sigurado kung tama pa ang ginagawa,

Wala na ‘kong paki kahit magmukha pang tanga.

Itatak sa utak na hindi kita iiwan.

Dam’hin ng puso na ‘di kita pababayaan.

 

Sa pagiging magkaibigan ako’y ayos na.

Kung lumagpas tayo do’n, aba, edi masaya!

Ngunit ako’y kuntento’t ‘di na muna aasa.

Mahal, nandito ako sa hirap at ginhawa.

Minsan…

Sa buhay natin, maraming minsan na dapat nating matanggap bilang pansamantala lamang. Minsan? Mga bagay na dumaraan lang. Mga bagay na pahapyaw lang sa mas magandang mangyayari sa buhay natin. Lalo na sa pag-ibig, sa umpisa talaga noong bata pa tayo, napakaraming minsan ang kailangan mong pagdaanan. Hindi mo maiiwasan. Minsan kasi may makikilala tayong naramdaman nating iba sa paraan kung papaano niya napapagaan ang loob natin, kung pa’no niya nabibigyang ngiti ang mga labi natin, kung pa’no niya nabibigyang sigla ang buhay natin. Pero minsan talaga, darating ang panahon na mawawala na lang ito. Pinipilit nating maging maayos pa ang lahat, pinipilit natin na hindi lang ito pagkakaintindihan, pinipilit natin na lilipas din ‘yon… kaso sigurado ka nga ba sa pinipilit mo? Minsan kasi ang solusyon ay hayaan na lang. Hindi ‘yung ipilit pa. Hindi naman masamang ipaglaban ang pag-ibig, hindi masamang magpakatanga, hindi masamang umintindi… ang masama lang ay ‘yung ikaw na lang ang lumalaban, nagpapakatanga, umiintindi, at nagmamahal. Lagi nilang sinasabi na nandiyan na nga ‘yung taong nagmamahal sa ‘tin, hindi pa natin binigyan ng pagkakataon. Pero hindi ba nila naisip na tayo, bilang tao, ay may minamahal din. Pantay-pantay lang tayo ng napagdaraanan, hindi lang natin alam. Ganyan kasi talaga ang buhay, minsan lang ibigay kung ano ang gusto mo. Minsan pa masaya na kayo sa pagiging magkaibigan pero sweet, sasabihin niyo pa na mas mabuting hindi na lang pag-usapan. Pero hindi niyo ba naisip na pagdating ng panahon na makahanap na ‘yan ng ibang taong kaya niya makipag-commit, iiwanan ka na lang niya? Ano na? Masaya pa nga ba? Minsan may pinaniniwalaan tayong nandon sa ayos lang, masaya naman, e. Pero dapat isipin natin na, ‘wag na, kaya kong maging masaya. Maraming dahilan para maging masaya, sasabihin nating mahirap, o wala. Pero meron talaga, hindi lang natin tanggap. Hindi man tayo sigurado kung hanggang kailan tayo buhay, pero ‘di ba mas okay pa rin na maging masaya ka na walang pinipilit na bagay. Ganyan talaga sa pag-ibig, komplikado minsan. Kasi ‘yung akala nating ayon na, pang-minsan lang pala. ‘Yung pagmamahalan na inakala nating panghabambuhay, nawawala na lang. Buti pa nga ang MINSAN, may patunay na. Ang habambuhay, wala pa. H’wag na nating hayaan na ang minsan na nagpalungkot sa ‘tin ay maging kadalasan pa. Subukan mong MINSAN, maging masaya ka naman dahil sa sarili mo.

Mundane Activity of Reality

A world where all people judges those who stand out, those who are weird, and those who are different, but cares less to those who are normal, and those who are ordinary. Yes, we live in a world full of judgements. Sad life, it is. We are not living in a movie where in you should really consider all these anxieties because you have limited people around you because of limited characters. But no, this is reality. As much as they can judge you, you can care less. This is the part where you should decide whether you’ll bother yourself “fitting in” or decide not to care… at all.  And for a fact, we can grab a chair and build castles in the air that someday…. someday all of these might lead in to vicissitude. But this is the present-day where we should all live. Can you imagine how awful it is? Every time we wake up and go out to face the world, we need to be strong. So how can you seriously be happy with that? How can you live in a world where you are not hundred-percent accepted? And sure, we can say that you don’t need to “please” everyone. But what if you already have no one? What if because you cared less, everybody did the same to you? That’s not okay, seriously.  And what’s worst is this is not just for today, we need to face it daily. Until the day everything will be different. Fairy tales were just for innocent kids. Movies are just for fantasizing. Life is for us. It is for us to face and re-live. .. It will be and I hope not for a long time, the mundane activity of our pathetic life. When can we possibly dress the way we want, eat the way and what we want, speak how we want, love who we love, live whatever life we want without being judged, with just being simply welcomed, accepted.